The Fuckway

Every time I get on the subway, there is one constant thought circulating my mind. "Fuck, I hope a hot chick sits next to me." For one thing, sitting beside a girl on the subway is basically the closest I come to intimacy with a woman these days. Now, 9 times out of 10 I get some big lug who makes me feel wafer thin. But not today, today was my lucky day.

Not one, not two, but THREE hot women sat around me on the subway. Holy shit, I felt like a Latino heartthrob oozing withs machismo.

The first girl made eye contact with me and then chose to sat closeby. She was definitely into me. She was totally my type. Thin, young, black hair, pale skin, glasses, dorky plaid pants.

The second girl sat between me and my new girlfriend immediately driving a wedge between us. She was totally my type. Thin, young, blonde hair, a little upscale, high maintenance kind of girl.

The third girl sat directly next to me, she was best described as a "hot tamale". She was totally my type. Thin, young, Latin, black hair, low cut shirt.

Now I didn't immediately begin considering which of the three girls I'd have sex with first, my first thought was "Oh good, I don't resemble an Ogre so much so that women won't sit next to me." I have to take all the small victories in my life that I can.

My second thought though was of course; "Okay, of these three cute girls, which is the one I would have sex with." But in my mind, I can't simply accept that I would just be having sex with one of them, I can't jump in my mind directly to throwing her over the TTC seat, not caring about how unpleasant that red fuzz of the TTC seats are on her knees (Just THINK about it, it'dbe itchy as hell!). No, I have to have the scenario for why these three female strangers would be inclined to have sex with me. My mind refuses to tell my penis that a woman would not just be attracted to me, and want me for the sake of having me, but instead there has to be a specific reason she doing this, call it an ulterior motive if you want. Sometimes, it's because I have a lot of money, sometimes it's I've abducted the girl's boyfriend and if she ever wants to see her boyfriend again she must mouthify my wang as I chuckle and sometimes, though very rarely, it's because the girl actually loves me (Haha, just kidding about that last one.).

Anyway, today the best scenario I could conjure up on short notice that any of these girls would have anything to do with my wiener (besides the dorky girl, she genuinely wanted The Fostar (that's my name for my penis, by the way)) was that an evil time-traveling Nazi named Barbarossa was going to hijack the specific subway car me and my ladies were on and pick me as the one to propagate a new super race of Nazi super-men (In my defense, I do have blonde hair and blue eyes, so I'm basically the prototypical male) Of course, I don't want to have to have sex with these girls (well, I do, but my scenario is layered with such thought-provoking nuance that even though I want to, I don't want to under these circumstances), but if I don't the evil Nazi will clobber them or something, I dunno, I never asked or cared in my fantasy, I think I was secretly Pro-Nazi. But I made sure to tell the girls "Don't worry, you'll enjoy this too." And then I'd wink and grin. It's at that point the girl would recoil, at that moment truly realizing what a horrifying situation she had found herself in. Even in my fantasies I'm a fucking creep, I try and keep my fantasies grounded with a hint of reality.

But like all good things, my subway romance came to an end at Spadina station. I made eye contact with the dorky girl one last time as I left the car, hopefully that she'd blurt out her MSN name or Blackberry PIN, too turned on as I lumbered out of the subway car not to say something. Somehow she had the will power to resist, she must have had a boyfriend or something, and that's cool too I guess. Good for her, seriously, I'm happy.

So at this point you're probably surprised to learn I've reached this level of patheticness (Well, I'm sure that some of you were already are well aware). To truly put things in perspective for you, picture one of those three girls, probably at work or school right now, happily having a mid-afternoon snack or texting with their boyfriend on the ole' iPhone, totally unaware of the fact that the 6'0, 220 pound dimwit who apparently had a breathing problem that they sat next to this morning has just written a note detailing his thoughts of fucking them. Poor girls.