Today, So Far

First of all, yeah, I haven't posted in awhile. Go screw.

So does today suck or what? Here is a chronological listing of what has annoyed me so far.

(Warning: The following may be extremely banal, proceed with caution!)

1) I wake up at 6:30 after a blissful 5 hours snooze and am immediately annoyed that the very first thing I do is fumble for my iTouch and check who emailed, Twitter'd or Facebook'd be over the course of the night. I have 5 emails and 2 Facebooks. That makes me happy as if that is some sort of litmus test for being a good person.

2) You don't want to know what I did next or who I thought about while doing it (although I will cryptically interject that who I did think about annoyed me) and no there is no correlation between me getting messages on Facebook and doing that though I don't know if I am too far away from doing that.

3) I get ready for work, but oh shit! I forgot to download last night's 24 so I put that in the download queue. But I have a dilemma, I am also downloading BluRay copies of Mission: Impossible III and Superbad (An odd combination, to be sure, but whatevs) I want both those movies to finish as soon as possible but more importantly I MUST be able to watch 24 as soon as I get home from work tonight. How can I maximize my bandwidth to ensure all 3 are finished by the time I get home? I won't bore you with the details, ironically I say that after already having bored you bringing this up in the first place but obviously by the time I was done messing around with that I was already 5 minutes behind schedule.

4) It's raining of course. Oh boy, now I get to carry a soggy umbrella around with me all day. Yahoo!

5) I order an everything bagel with butter and DOUBLE cheddar and of course after paying an extra .60 cents for a second helping of cheddar, I only get one slice. I've already left the establishment though so I have truly been cheated out of .60 cents.

6) The 1 minute walk from the Tim Hortons near my place to the Kipling subway station proves to be perhaps one of the most annoying minutes of my entire life, the wind was trying desperately to force my umbrella from my hand, but I had a firm grip on the thing so the best the wind could accomplish was to blow my umbrella inside out so I looked like a ridiculous idiot the entire walk to the subway station. You win this round, wind! And the enduring effect of this minute is due to the ineffectiveness of an inside out umbrella the back of my pants was pelted with rain and I sit here now an hour later writing this terrible blog post in soggy pants. I feel like I'm in grade 3 and have just wet myself and am too embarrassed to do anything about it.

7) My tea is too hot to drink...and almost too hot to handle. Like me, hahahahahahaha...I should just die.

8) Okay, now I am on the subway, it's easy going from here on out, right? Fuck no! I should at this point say that I usually listen to my iTouch the entire way to work, normally the Opie & Anthony radio show but yesterday they happened to have on "comedian" Bob Kelly, an absolutely horrendous standup comic. Opie and Anthony are funny guys, they have great comedy instincts but it boggles my mind that they have this motherfucker on every couple of weeks, and the worst part is he isn't just a guest for 30 minutes, he sits in for the entire goddamn show and is awful from beginning to end! So, it was me vs. the noise of 100 other fuckers on my particular subway car.

9) My Tea is still way too fucking hot to drink. I take tiny little sips like a little dumbass too afraid to burn his widdle biddy tongue. Aw, poor baby.

10) I have an empty seat next to me, I desperately want a hot girl to sit next to me, vindication!, (See: Previous Blog) and there's one now, yes she sees me! She is coming toward me, oh my god a shadow had just passed over me, has the sun gone nova, what is this? Ugh, no, Christ, Susan Boyle herself sits next to me and immediately makes wheezing like breathing noises, seriously, I've heard burn victims who have an easier time breathing, she sounds like she's taken this opportunity to work on her Darth Vader impression next to me. Shit! The hot girl almost has a wounded look on her face as she sits down in the next available sit, assuredly next to some dope who won't appreciate her sex appeal. Sigh...

11) The fucking Metro. As I said earlier, I was iTouchless so I decided to read the Metro. Surely there will be an interesting story or two in there, right? Of course not, all it did was piss me off. The very first story I read was about idiots from Israel protesting the name "Swine Flu" citing that anything pig related is a very sensitive subject matter to their people. I wonder for a second if I am reading The Onion by mistake....Like, okay, I get it, you have your religious beliefs and I have my (lack of) mine. But the fucking virus comes from Pigs, amirite? It's simply the easiest term to apply to this fucking disease! In the article the guy from Israel recommends they call it "Mexican Virus" instead and immediately redeems himself in my eyes...Let's not offend us based on our fear of bacon but let's definitely piss off 100 million Mexicans.

12) I realize flipping through the Metro that I have so little in common with my fellow man and it depresses me so to really put an exclamation point on how little I have in common with everyone I take out my iTouch and start listening to.....audio extracted from episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I just enjoy listening to the sound design from these episodes. It's an absolutely lame thing to do, I know, but rest assured that I am hopefully the only person on the planet who listens to scenes from movies as audio on his iTouch. Siiiigh.

13) The subway feels very musty cause of every one's soaking wet clothing.

14) I go to the Drugstore before I get to work and they do not have the extra large packages of Real Fruit Gummies. I buy the regular sized pack like a little kid and believe me, I am totally embarressed about it!

15) The DVD case for Bride Wars is pink. Eeeeeuuuccchh.

16) I get to work about 5 minutes late and immediately begin writing this blog while talking to my friends Stacy and Kayla about this blog. Kayla asks if she will be mentioned in the blog so now I can confidently answer, yes. By the way, didn't Kayla go to Mexico recently? Patient Zero for a Toronto Swine flu outbreak, anyone? Swarm, swarm!

17) Jim Norton from the Opie and Anthony show is Twittering about Maury Povich being on the show today and I desperately want to be listening to that now and not my shitty episode from yesterday featuring Bob Kelly.

18) It's almost 10:00 AM, I have 7 hours left in my day at work (which I have spent entirely writing this drivel) and I actually feel like the worst part of my day is over. With any luck my friends with be chattering away with me on IM and the day will go by fast. This actually doesn't annoy me so it shouldn't be on this list, but whatevs. Fuck off.

19) I mentioned a Toronto swine flu outbreak as a possibility during entry 16 of this blog and fucking haaaaaaaate myself for it.

20) Stacy reads the blog at about 10:10 AM and whines like a sodding twerp that she wasn't really mentioned during this blog, even though she most clearly was during entry 16 so to shut her trap up I throw her a bone and add a 20th entry to this blog and put in as many mean spirited references to her as I can (she's a cunt, by the way) so she will read this and laugh. Did it work?

21) Yes, it did. (Which isn't really annoying, but the fact that I edited this blog for a girl is kind of annoying)

22) Coming up with separate Facebook status updates, Twitter tweets and Gmail Chat/MSN Personal messages is a fucking pain in the ass, but just posting about this blog makes it a lot easier. The fucking shit I do for you people!

23) I will spend the rest of the day hoping people message me telling me this blog was halfway decent and will be somewhat hurt (okay, really fucking emo) by people who don't mention how amazingly hilarious I am throughout the day. That is truly the most annoying part of my day and my life in general really, what a needy little cunt I am. And now even when people do say something nice I will question it, "Did they really mean that, or are they saying that because I mentioned it in Entry 23 of my blog? Hmmmm" What a conundrum I have created!

24) I've edited this thing like 7 times since I posted it, jesus.

I'm done, we're all caught up to the present now. The end, I'm punching out, hope you gleened some bit of enjoyment from this post.